Is it ever really just one thing that changes your life, or is it a series of choices?
When asked if there is one transformational moment in my life where I can pinpoint change happening, there are many that come to mind. The day the 3-year-old me went to the post office alone. The day I chose engineering over teaching. The day my daughter was born. The moment I saw the lifeless body of my cousin’s 10-year-old daughter.
While those moments have been the shaping moments of my life, nothing has impacted me as much as when I tripped over my status quo.
It was like when you look into the mirror, the person looking back is not the same.
When you change, everything changes!
I can’t remember the name of the resort on the outskirts of Hyderabad, India, but I remember I was in a critical management role for a significant transformation project, and I was having a gala time there with my colleagues. This offsite was for senior management, and they had come together to work on the business growth strategy. Most colleagues were two ranks higher than me, and I joined them on a special invitation as a high potential future leader.
A strong business leader, who was sponsoring this offsite, had already told me about the panel’s decision about my promotion – it has not been in my favor – and the feedback for me was, “Things didn’t work out last year when you were doing them a certain way. Now you should pay close attention to people who have done it before you and learn how to do it.”
I knew it was coming before we would disperse and get on with our business as usual. Still, the moment the promotions were announced, I rocked off balance. I felt the sensation on my cheeks. My eyes were leaking, and I wanted to disown my tears like a lifeless waste.
Everyone was ready to catch their taxis to the airport, so I picked up my bag and left without saying anything. I didn’t say goodbye. How could I? I was sad. Beyond sad. I was cold too.
That one little thing changed the course of the next five years of my life. It was indeed a life’s ‘grab you by the wrist and direct you where to go’ moment.
Interestingly, change is not linear for human beings. There is the moment before and the moment after the decision is made, and what we choose in those moments gives life to our choices.
This one action or non-action – my decision to receive everything without judgments and listen to the dissonance between my inner and outer voices – catapulted me into unknown territory and towards exploration.
Since elementary school, I have always favored subjects like science and mathematics over humanities. My instinct was always to regard these subjects as more solid and growth-oriented. In hindsight, I see the role of the environment too – when one couldn’t give the correct answer, why-to-bother-attitude from the MAAs and PAAs of that field (teachers or parents or specialists) was common.
My decision to listen and accept the dissonance had pushed me to the edge. Thanks to the dissection skills that I learned in the Zoology lab!
Another story of my relationship with serious subjects: my father wished me to study medicine; my grandmother wished me to study engineering. And I wanted to be an engineer. With the hope that I might develop an interest in saving lives if I studied biology in high school, my father used his parent’s authority to sign me up for both mathematics and biology. I dissected many rats, frogs, and cockroaches with a dizzy head and shaking hands.
So I studied the feedback I received at the business event, like the open body of a white rat pinned on the wax tray, down with anesthesia, still breathing with life. “Things didn’t work out last year when you were doing them a certain way. Now you should pay close attention to people who have done it before you and learn how to do it.”
The words’ attention’ and ‘learn’ stood out, and I saw myself from the observer’s eyes after a long time.
I have taken pride in designing high-performing products and teams and raising my daughters with poise, and I have been doing well with highs and lows. Why was I ashamed of not being promoted? Why is this dissonance? I saw myself gazing back on those window gazers and pondering how listening to so many window gazers’ perspectives has affected my ability to listen to the subtle inside voices.
“Only with the heart can one see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
While this newfound insight inspired me to oscillate between being and becoming, it also terrified me. The unknown presented an odd rarity; it sounded like reentry into a child’s mind, who is silly, witty, kind, and compassionate but still lacks discernment. I would cry alone in a dark room where no one could see me. I would pray to be found and rescued. I was someone even I didn’t want to be around.
Shame became anger and self-doubt, and I started questioning my leadership, parenting, and everything I associated myself with. The spiral of thoughts inside me felt like an intractable muddle.
Looking back, I can only laugh at that phase, thankfully temporary, but back then, my muddle was real. If the answers to your problems come from authority figures, you want to believe in the solution and try it. In those moments, finding someone who listens to you without any advice, who could hold the mirror at the angle from where you see your inside beauty is bliss.
There were many moments of grace from friends, family, and (then) strangers in the conversations I consciously chose to have.
I expanded my perspective by learning human psychology and specializing in child psychology; I did executive coach training and learned the Inclusion & Diversity frameworks from industry experts. I integrated the parts of me, piece by piece, similar to the Japanese tradition of Kintsugi, the art of embracing the broken and the whole.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, I can change.”
Carl Rogers
It wasn’t until many, many conversations later that I realized my mirror moments experience began well before I could appreciate the coaching language in any meaningful way.
Beaches are my pristine places; I can sit there from sunrise to sunset and from dusk to dawn. I will throw the tiny pebbles and shells in the sea and track how far the ripple goes with waves. It is ironic that while creating those ripples, I remembered a joke from my friend “You throw a stone, near or far; I can’t tell you if you will find the stone, but you will find a coach.”
We talk about coaching with such alarming needs and often interpret it in such superficial ways that we have diluted the word’s meaning. When people wield the word coaching, it tends to fall on deaf ears because we hear that word so much that it rings like a privileged noise.
While I committed to staying true to myself every day, many people have held the mirror for me and contributed to my capacity to see through the mirror. They spoke to me and nudged me from another side of the mirror. Some of them did it conscientiously, and some did it naturally. They, through their questions, offered me a unique lens through which I could see the seeds beneath the sprouting behaviors and make better choices.
The butterfly can only appreciate the process and the pain that the caterpillar needs to go through to become a butterfly. As a caterpillar, butterflies quite literally do not exist.
Five years later, I have come a long way. I have become a student of life. I am having a gala time with my leadership role and parenting role, and while doing that, I am making an effort to hold the mirror for myself, my family, my team, and my community.
One of my wise friends, a leadership coach, once told me, “Transformation happens in a moment, and I can’t comment on how and when you see that moment.”
I would say that every moment when we are present to the music of the mundane could be that transformative moment for us or others. It is choosing to shift our view from the window-gaze to the mirror, from being a window gazer only to a mirror holder.
I can’t speak for all, but for the leaders and parents I have talked to in the last five years, I found the need for the mirror moments, the capacity to listen to inside whispers and outside songsters, and the need for discernment.
The thoughts of others imprison us if we’re not thinking for ourselves.
The mirror moments, created conscientiously by mirror holders, allow us to see beyond others’ window views and see what is possible. When we understand our behaviors, we also claim our power. This decision gives life to our choices, and we can see if the existing behaviors make sense. Often they don’t.
My journey has equipped me with a unique lens to understand and hold the listening space for an individual and create the mirror moments that match the need for different expansions during different times in their journeys.
As a leader who has experienced both the advantages of privilege and the sting of stigma, I challenge leaders’ assumptions about self, leadership, and others while providing frameworks that help them take inspired action today for a more inclusive tomorrow. I welcome you to my inclusive leadership mirror space to you. You can reach out to me at shalubajajahuja@gmail.com. Why? Because more than anything else, we need to know we are not alone. Like Brene Brown says, “I thought it was just me. But it wasn’t.”
We are not in the space that we could proudly hand over to future leaders. Our humanism, systemic thinking, and integration duties are more important than ever to create an inclusive world. My hope for us is to make a new pathway together, break our old thought patterns, and redefine what it means to truly belong—in the workplace, in families, and in communities.
“Your significance will always be a mystery to you.”
R. Buckminster Fuller