And today, I follow the conscious choice: to expand our perspectives by learning new capabilities or unlearning old behaviors.
I proudly assert that the adage “a parent is born when a child is born” needs revision. A parent is born when one learns to listen and nurture the inner child with compassion.
A parent is born when one learns to listen and nurture the inner child with compassion.
If you know me from the past, you might not find this voice of the person you knew.
And you would be right! I have never felt my feelings this way. I have never explored my beliefs this way. I have never allowed my thoughts to wander this way. I have never expressed myself in this way.
It has been an eventful ride.
Integrating the pieces
So, I was in a program with a group of intellectuals, all coming from diverse backgrounds but on a quest to find fulfillment from work.
In response to a prompt ― Use no words and express what space you are in ― everyone in the room started to draw.
Listen to the inner child
I stared at my drawing and couldn’t comprehend it. It looked something like this.
“How can you call yourself a parent of these four children, two young siblings, and two daughters, who see you as an example when you are stuck,” a voice spoke to me.
- Did this voice speak to me for the first time?
- Or did I listen to it for the first time?
Dressed up in a pink and black Ann Taylor dress, color-coordinated Swarovski earrings, and Tory Burch heels, “I am a learned and experienced leader. I can’t mix parenthood feelings with work,” I countered to silence that voice.
Someone was talking on my face. If this were a Hollywood movie, now would be the part in which someone would quietly walk into the room, lay a heavy hand on my shoulder, and speak to me: “Ma’am, it’s over. You are caught red-handed. You have failed as a professional. You have failed as a parent.”
Making peace with the mean child
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older, they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them. ~ Oscar Wilde.
- What if my daughters judge me as they grow old?
- What if they don’t forgive me for my choices?
Will they trust that I read and implemented the learnings of best books, including one written by Heidi E. Murkoff, one of the world’s leading experts in pregnancy and childcare —, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, named one of the ‘Most Influential Books of the Last 25 Years’ by USA Today.
Will they believe that no one taught me that my parenting mold — the way I was parented — might get in the way, and how can I steer clear from that?
Will they appreciate my unmasked share that parenthood is exhausting, isolating, demanding, changes my relationships, friendships, and dreams?
When I know from my heart that my relish and regard about parenting far exceed the challenging periods, it gives me the reason for being.
As a mother, I am the caretaker of tiny souls. Yet here I am, falling apart, cracked and tired.
I experienced parenthood as heaven and hell at the same time.
Nurture the dreamer child
How can I fill empty spaces in myself? How do I nurture and protect tiny souls with compassion?
I felt called to work with children, from their perch, shaping their character.
The outside voices said, “the leadership role in corporate life and parenting are like train tracks which never merge. Learning child psychology will give you a false lens; it is like digging in the past and finding that every behavior stems from childhood experience. Parenting is innate, why you need to learn it. A parent is born when a child is born.”
I didn’t silence outside voices but included my inner voice and learned everything with an open mind.
A fascinating process sprang inside me, which didn’t fill any cracks but unveiled more layers.
Integrate curious and explorer child
Here’s what came true. When we see more, we imagine more, and we create more. The clearer I saw what was possible, the faster I wanted to bring the change in myself.
The incongruence between how I aspired to show up as a parent in raising young leaders and how I showed up stood at the root of my daily self-criticism.
After all, one can only offer what one has inside. Therefore, listening to the inner child and raising them with compassion is paramount.
With the light shining through my cracks, I promised not to fall apart and turn these cracks into gold.
With the light shining through my own cracks, I promised to turn these cracks into gold.
I collected one piece at a time, and these pieces together define my beautiful Kintsugi and me.
Here, I accept myself as I am. If I had to raise my daughters again, I would change nothing in them and my work. My work would be as important to me as raising the future generation.
I have become a parent to one more child, who I listen to, learn from, partner with — the child in me.
Is the inner child always right?
Of course, not! Time will unveil more cracks, layers, and pieces. These have to! We all leave some part of ourselves behind when we move on from a place, relationship, or experience. There are things in us that we can find again only by revisiting our memories and seeing those in a different light.
The consciousness lies in discovering and assembling the pieces that make us whole.
Yes. Most of us feel broken; we miss our puzzle pieces, partly because we were never taught to look for them. Instead, we inherited false convictions passed down from family or educational institutions, society, and culture. What parts do you miss?
The inner child is the gold that integrates family, work, and parenthood Kintsugi
Here’s to all the parents who slip into guilt trips. Integrate your life and work, do what makes you happy. As much as you pay attention to parenting children who came through you, pay the same attention to the child inside you.
Being a parent is not enough to raise the future generation. Raising needs to be conscious. And a parent is intended when one listens and nurtures their inner child with compassion. My invitation is to
- identify your triggers,
- peel back the layers of what they have to teach us,
- integrate unique pieces, and
- learn how to listen to the inner child and the child/adult around us in a congruent, compassionate, and kintsugi way.